Being Perfect

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” -Theodore Roosevelt

"Nobody's perfect.” My mom, rest her soul, offered me this cliché when I got down on myself. I found comfort in it, interpreted it as, “well that’s a relief, other people have flaws too.”

I clung onto this cliché I grew older—it served as a life preserver of consolation in my sea of self-judgment. But that feeling of consolation began to wane. That old cliché started feeling like a life cop-out, an excuse to ignore areas where I could improve myself… “what’s the point in trying if I’ll never be perfect and no one else is either?” 

Then I started drinking San Pedro. During my San Pedro diet a couple years ago, I shared with Chase, my huachumero, how much pressure I feel to be perfect. He asked me, “Whose version of perfect? Everyone is perfect just the way we are.”

Chase’s words cut right to the heart of my discomfort with “nobody’s perfect”: the expression implies that perfectionism adheres to others’ standards, not the one person’s who matters most: me. Since “flaws” and “virtues” are all in the eye of the beholder—everyone is perfect as much as no one is.  

Great, now that I don’t have to compare myself to others, I can just relax with all this self-improvement stuff, right? No, I must continue my self-work journey but with a different intention: be authentic, not perfect. Being honest about my feelings in any given moment. Acting from a place of authenticity, not one that seeks others’ validation.

So how has San Pedro helped me be the real me? In ceremony, it’s required me to feel, deeply physically feel, my insecurity around being “perfect”. The releasing of that deeply-buried fear requires a lot of physical pain: legs and groin shaking, puking bile… not pleasant. But I also feel the opposite—love and joy—after those emotions are felt. I feel freedom so deeply, my side hurts from crying. Post-ceremony, I feel lighter and just happy… sometimes the best mood I’ve ever been in.

Outside of ceremony, the change has happened subconsciously. Sometimes the shifts are subtle, sometimes significant, noticed only in hindsight. Examples include telling people “No” more when it comes to setting boundaries with my time. Or catching myself second-guessing something I said in a prior conversation, like “I wish I said this instead” or “I hope she knew what I meant when I said…” I’m much better at catching this negative inner monologue and just trusting what I said in the moment was what was meant to be said. Let it go, James.

So if you’re not being you, are you not being perfect? No. Everyone finds themselves in situations where they don’t feel it’s appropriate to express exactly how they feel. I feel my temperature start rising when I hear someone utter an ignorant statement about plant medicines. I wait for that anger to move before I respond, if I do at all. I may withhold my opinion or feelings because I know my audience. I put my ego, my desire to change their mind and be “right”, aside. My intuition tells me that response is the best one.

So “thank you, San Pedro.” I’m getting better at pausing, being present, and responding according to my standards for situations when my emotions run high… and if I let them get the best of me, so be it. That was me being me in that moment. I doubt I’ll be able to stay present and react in the exact way I wish I had 100% of the time, sometimes passion takes over and well… nobody’s perfect.